At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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