i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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