Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
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To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
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because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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