can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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