I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
