i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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