Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
