My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You've changed since you got that strap on
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
