Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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