just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
