it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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