I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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