My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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