I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
