I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
