I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
