if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
