She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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