i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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