listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
