I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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