i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
