i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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