his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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