Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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