she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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