In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
