Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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