I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
