I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize