My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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