my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
