my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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