Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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