I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
