He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk