i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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