Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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