someone threw a dead crab at me
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
