Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
