I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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