watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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