how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
