new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
