No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
