started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
