I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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