My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
