NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
time to smoke my breakfast
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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