I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
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