I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
