im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
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HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
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My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I did not marry a roomba.
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