Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
