Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
