Banned from zoo.
Again?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
