Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
