guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you traded sex for a burrito?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
