You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Houston, we have a blender
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize