I need to stop coming to work sober
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
