what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
